Its not that we don't stay busy...last night was Advent service at church and the childrens Christmas pagent practice...tonight is the Christmas play at school...tommorrow is the Christmas Pary for my office...Saturday movie and Santa....Sunday church and then a spa party which I have agreed to host and now really regret because lately all I want to do after work is bury myself into a thick nest of blankets and sleep the winter away.
I don't know what is wrong with me lately. Ever since we got back from Arkansas its been a tough transition just to try to get normal back. Each morning Jaiden has woken up kicking and screaming and fighting my every effort to get her dressed and ready for daycare. This is not typical and I do not understand what she is going through. I try to have endless patience but sometimes it slips...especially when I have been late to work every day for the past two weeks because getting a struggling toddler into clothing takes a lot longer than normal...bundling her into layers is an additional challenge that is often met with a challenge so most times I just throw her jacket around her shoulders and carry her inside....or outside since in the afternoon she is just as stubborn and resisitant to getting a jacket on and coming home as she is to leaving home. Oh to just STAY home and not have to go through this daily. I am quite exhausted and do not look forward to the moment that I must wake her and begin it all over again. I wish we could stay home and cuddle. Last night she came and got into bed with me, something she doesn't normally do but while at Gramma's she slept with me so I am thinking this "new normal" is a bit of a transition for her getting back into the old "new" routine...we didn't have to deal with frigid weather in Arkansas or when we left...winter came sometime during the past weeks and its here to stay whether we like it or not.
What hurts the most is that home doesn't really feel like home here. I never thought I'd want to live in Arkansas but during our visit I started to see it with new eyes; how much the kids enjoyed being with their grandparents, how much Cody enjoyed hunting and target practice, how well we seem to just be welcomed into the church family every time we go even when it has been months or years since our last visit. Its a small community but they are family. I miss that. I don't feel like we have family here..sure we do but where are they? 3.5 hours away is not very close and it doesn't allow for very frequent visits. I also know that my Mom is not getting any younger. At 74 she is is decent health today but she is resistent to leave her home and I know someday she will not be able to do all the things she does today. She has lived hundreds of miles away from the only grandchildren she has for 17 years. I guess I am feeling guilty (finally) for living so far away and wanting to give it back before its too late to enjoy those moments.
With Scott retiring in just 3 months (Gasp) we still don't have "a plan" yeah ok so we've stopped trying to plan because it doesn't seem any of our "plans" were meant to be anyway. We take each new day as it comes. When March rolls around and we are still trying to figure out this new life and where to go I will trust in God's plan. Maybe He's talking already and gearing us up for this next new life...finding two federal jobs in the forests of Arkansas is a daunting challenge...but...upon doing a job search there is a forestry technician position open right now...and its just below my current job level (so not a major pay cut) only thing is I had a DREAM of being a park ranger...I didn't actually pursue this dream...so the qualifications thing is a minor issue...I don't know the ecology of a tree or how to manage the forest...it sounds like a great job....walking the hills and forests each day, taking measurements and observations, doing research and creating reports (just my cup of tea) but how to get from point A to point B in such a short time? Its more than my little brain can comprehend. what is the plan?
So when overwhelmed with decision and activities abuzz around me is it any wonder why I want to bury under the covers until spring? Cowardly approach to life I must admit but it appears darn appealing at the moment.
Its time to face the day.... Hope you have a great one! :)
*Morning Update: Today started off GREAT!!! I was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Jaiden came toddling out of her room and actually said Good Morning back when I said Good Morning to her, then we sat and cuddled for a while and then she watched the Higley Town Heroes while I finished my routine maintenance :) She didn't fight me (too much) when I got her dressed and didn't cry (hardly at all) during the morning rush. Thank You God!!!! I was beginning to feel like a Monster Mommy and was wondering if and when my sweet little girl would return. I am so very thankful for a peaceful morning. And Jaiden gave me the sweetest hugs and kisses when I left her at daycare this morning :) Her "attitude" was totally changed and she was her normal happy self again.
4 comments:
Oh my friend. I am sorry you are having a hard time with the transitions that are coming your way. If it makes you feel any better at all, my brother's last day is NEXT WEEK and quite honestly he still doesn't know what he is doing next either. Leaving a life you have led and been part of for 20 years or more, is a big deal. I'd be surprised if you were not in conflict over what to do and where to go. After all, someone else has made those decisions for us for all this time, and suddenly we're expected to know what is next?! Breathe, it will be okay, you will find the right path, you do still have time. And hey if you need to hide from it a little longer, that's fine too. Pretty sure I would be. ;)
I'm so glad Jaiden gave such a gift this morning with being more of her usual self. This last week has been rough with Julia with too, so you are not alone there either. We have been having very rough nights again and we were doing so well. :( I hope Jaiden's turn around continues for you. Look out though, she's turning 3 and whoever said "terrible two's" had no clue what they were talking about!
Will be thinking of you and praying for you too. :)
Hugs!
Heather
I'm glad this morning went better for both of you. As I read your post I could feel my own tears because I know exactly how you feel. What is it about this area that makes you feel so isolated and alone? It's been almost 4 years and I'm still struggling with it. I always have a hard time readjusting after visits back east. Kyle, too. And I'm sure now that Karissa is older I'll have another set of challenges to deal with. Kyle asked me this evening why we couldn't live near Nana and Pop (my parents). How do you answer that when you don't even know why God has put you where he has? It's so hard, I know. If you'd like to get together please let me know (call, email). We could do a play date at the mall on an evening or weekend? Or visit at each other's home and we could have coffee while Jaiden, Kyle and Karissa play? It's so easy to crawl under the covers and hide but it doesn't help in the long run (believe me, I know).
Oh girl...I'm sorry you are having a hard time....I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
Hugs,
Steffie
I'm playing catch-up here, but I'm so glad to hear your mornings are returning to normal. Transitioning back after time with the grandparents is always tough. I think I've heard Marsha call it "grandparent detox." As for your coming plans, the path will become clear. We've been in that state of confusion before, but God always seems to lead us where we need to be. The waiting and wondering is excruciating, though. Of course, we would love for you to come south so we might get to see all of you occasionally, but we'll just have to see what plans God unfolds before you.
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